Nothing Ever Changes
Until You (or I) Do
Sometimes I am amazed and frustrated at my reactions when I spend some time away a situation or haven’t seen someone for a while. I expect in the best in people; and when the same the old behavior happens, I get flummoxed. I keep thinking that people and situations will change. We all grow, right? Sometimes. Maybe it is me that I should be amazed and frustrated with. Amazed that I don’t understand human behavior and frustrated that I expect something different. I need to remember that people are people.
This isn’t about what is happening out there and then judging it. It is about turning an eye inward to myself. When I look at my reaction to the situation or the person, I realize that I in some ways haven’t changed either. And a chuckle rises in my being. I laugh not because I find the situation or even myself humorous; I laugh because I am so focused on the out there that I miss what is going on in here with me.
Nothing ever changed until I do. I may not be able to change the externals — the situations or the people that I have not control — but I can change my actions and reactions toward them. Somehow, some way, I need to be okay that some people and situation will never change — and that is perfectly okay. The only change that requires a paradigm shift is me and my behavior.
To make that leap into another paradigm, I need to ask myself why is the circumstance, the behavior, the person pinging off me causing dissonance in me. As I reflect upon this, I know that I must discover what lies at the root of my reactions. I would say that it is frustration at those who do not follow the rules. I am a rule follower. Call me silly, but I believe that there are some rules that are meant to be followed.
Now, we can argue that some rules just are not meant to be followed. I would agree. Those rules are those that cause harm to others. Other rules are the underpinnings of a cohesive community and group. These are not the arbitrary rules that ultimately cause harm to a segment of the population. The rules to which I refer are the ones that have at their core common decency and respect for others.
I have found that there are a lot of people out there — well meaning people — who violate those rules. Why? In my opinion, I believe that they believe that their needs outweigh being respectful to others. Heck, when I am unaware, I have been known to step in this space of ignoring the needs of others. It you are honest, maybe you have fallen into the land of disrespecting others, too.
Back to nothing ever changes. I am not sure that is accurate. What if we tag on three words to “nothing ever changes.” Let’s add “until we do.” One thing that I have to remind myself is the I cannot change the behavior of another. Unfortunately some people are just not wired to be a part of a respectful community. I can only change my behavior by learning to shift from reacting to the behavior of others to responding with kindness. That is very difficult. It is a life long journey.
So how do we make the shift? To make this paradigm leap:
Own your feelings about the situation, the person, the relationship, even your part in what is happening. Witness what is happening in objective ways. Ask yourself the hard questions. You do not have to share what you discover with anyone but yourself. Through this discernment you plant the seeds of powerful change.
Name how you are feeling. Really dig into what is causing your dissonance. You might go large and toss out a lot. Then you sift through those observations to figure out what is happening when you react.
Ask yourself, what needs to shift in me? You might have grandiose ideas of what this shift will look like. Start small. If you find things that are not working, you are better able to tweak the small things instead of throwing out a plan and starting over.
How can I be more aware of what is pinging off of me and causing dissonance? The easy answer is paying attention. Notice when you begin to feel frustrated or angry or agitated. Stop. Take a breath. Ask yourself, “what is causing these feelings?” Listen. When you discover the answer, acknowledge and let go. This practice of letting go is an ongoing important aspect of changing.
Is it possible to leave the situation? If so, ask, “What would change if I leave?” If you cannot leave, ask yourself, “How can I mitigate the dissonance the situation is causing?” Your answer can be something really simple. Listen for the answer and act.
How can you show self-compassion to yourself in ways that will give you the energy to live within this paradigm shift? This is only answerable by you. Be creative. Have courage. But mostly be kind to yourself.
Nothing ever changes until you or I do. In our change, the chaos and aggravation in the world won’t end, but we will be less likely to react to what is happening. We will respond in ways that bring us and those around us into a better place.
Living into life’s illumination, one shimmer at a time,
Van(essa)
How about a companion in taking a leap into a new paradigm? As a spiritual director, I journey with you during these uncertain, chaotic times. Let’s walk the contemplative path together as you grow into your unapologetic authentic self! As your contemplative companion, I help you navigate the uncertainty to create a wildfire of possibility in your life. Along this journey you become your most authentic, unapologetic self. You have the clarity and power to live your best life.
Using contemplative practices and intuitive techniques, I assist others in navigating their contemplative paths. The result? Seekers who want to recognize the divine in the whole of their life cultivate a lived experience of the sacred. By deepening their understanding of the sacred, they shine forth their most authentic, unapologetic spirit as they walk the path they were meant to.
Who am I? I am a spiritual director, intuitive mentor, and community minister. I have a spiritual direction certification, master’s degree in Natural Health, medical intuitive training, and life coach certification. I twine my experience and skills to assist my clients in journeying through the mystery of their life paths.
Through individual sessions, programs, writings like this, and books (check out my book at www.wildefyrpress.com), I assist others in navigating the uncertainty.
Are you ready to shine your most authentic, unapologetic spirit? Are you ready to live a life in which the sacred twines and shines brightly? Reach out. hurst.vanessa@gmail.com vanessafhurst.com